I am (or have tricked myself into thinking so?) a confident person.

Nah: it’s not a trick. I am confident. Bad news, guys: I don’t care if you despise me for not hating myself. I like me. Deal with it.

It’s not lack of (insert over self-conscious concept here), it’s just that I don’t really care. Growing up, I was so mesmerized by and focused on my inner world I never paid a lot of attention to people’s negativity. Without much support, no “cheerleader parents,” neither remarkably empowering role models, I still, somehow, grew up believing that all the good things were possible, that I was enough, that I was smart, that I could do anything. And so I did. It was nice, and I would have loved for everyone to have had a chance at growing up with that mindset.

This is not to say I wasn’t bullied at school for being an “annoying” kid who didn’t give a shit about who was popular, who didn’t follow any trend/fashion/leader, who didn’t hesitate to call people out on their bad behavior, meanness, and whatnot. I had no interest in fitting in because I didn’t notice that there was a mold. This also isn’t to say I didn’t get in about five restroom fights with my classmates at our religious school. This isn’t to say people didn’t mock me and try to cut off my hair because kids can be cruel. This is to say I told myself it wasn’t me, but them. Their anger and frustrations were their problem, not mine: I was a kind, polite little girl. And I could deliver a good punch if the situation (and my safety) required it (still can. Yas).

Anyway, the point is I complain a lot about my job (the overbearing, micromanaging boss who is a nice guy but gets on my nerves. The low ceiling. The fact that I don’t really love what I do for a living and that eats at my soul). Yet I’ve done very little to move on for the last three years or so. I have settled for comfort (which is okay anyway), I was too busy with life to add the pressure of changing jobs to it. I was definitely making up excuses and not living to my full potential whatever that potential might be. I wasn’t trusting myself enough. Last Friday though, I put together a new CV and started sending it around. Today, I filled a couple of applications and spent some good time checking out job openings in my area, so that I can continue applying to job opportunities during this week and the next.

It’s simple, and I should have done it months ago. I’m doing it now. I’m taking charge. I’m trusting myself to find a way to professional happiness. I’m confident again.

And it feels so fine.