I’ll talk about several things, so, first off, the title of this post is deceiving.

To make things easier, here’s a list:

1. After fretting over the decision for the months I’ve spent trapped in the editing mines, I’ve resolved to query soon. This means I immediately freaked out and turned into a puddle of stress and insecurity. Since that’s not how I approach the decision-making process in real life, I’ve resorted to channeling my Internal Micromanager. My true ENTJ self. I’ve got this. I’ve always got this. This is mine. It’ll be perfectly fine.
2. For the last year or so, I’ve talked to others and tweeted IN-DEPTH AND AD FUCKING ETERNUM every single time I’m exhausted, sad, happy, etc. That’s also over. It was weird at the beginning, but it’s been a positive thing? For people like me, opening up too much (beyond my writing) is weakening. The overthinking sets in once we start giving ourselves the luxury of discussing our fears and hopes in depth. Maybe it works for other people, but it definitely doesn’t work for me. I seek and value the advice of a selected few, but I power through alone, without talking but doing, like a little girl bringing a precious cargo to the top of the mountain, embracing the roar of the wind and the rustling of the trees. I do my best work in isolation, without a chance to stop and fear.
3. And that disconnection works on different levels: it protects me from the pressure of “results” and external approval. I’m accountable to myself —the absolute harshest judge of my accomplishments, but also the only person I’ve ever tried to please. The best decisions I’ve ever made, the most spectacular results I’ve ever achieved, the weirdest triumphs I’ve ever experienced have all been a product of listening to myself and trusting my vision. I don’t think I can explain it to those who see things differently, because I have an innate inability to care about belonging to groups/things, fashion, and “fitting in.” None of that has ever held any significance to me. And it’s not something anybody taught me or a conscious decision I took. I’m just unbothered, genuinely independent from the general consensus in my thoughts and decisions. That aloofness has always been an advantage to me: if you don’t care, the judgment and pressure can’t exist. When I isolate myself, that inability heightens. And trust me, friend, it does wonders for your creativity and your self-worth. It makes you powerful.

So that’s all. A lot is going on, but it’s good, it’s peaceful, it’s strong.