Silence is a writer’s friend. Except when it comes to music. I wonder how people write without music, because there are people who write in silence and that’s crazy to me. The only silence I enjoy is the one produced by the absence of unfamiliar/unwanted human noise.
And I don’t only mean I need people to shut up a little in real life. I mean that I realized I needed to learn not to look to my left and right to see what others are doing, and to be more selective re: who I keep around me through this process.
Because when you lose sight of your own work, you lose clarity of thought. You allow negativity to come into your mind. You start to double-think, and to doubt.
Here are a few things I’ve learned about writing friendships.
The good:
- Your very few real writer friends will become your lifeline. Use it with caution anyway, but use it.
- The best CPs and betas you can have are those writer friends.
- Brainstorming with friends is the best brainstorming.
- Sometimes (many times), the only reason you’ll finish a book or a revision is because of your friends’ support.
- Finding good writer friends might take some time, and there’ll be false starts (I had like three), but once you find the right people, you will know it. These are the people that know about your work, not those who only talk about theirs. These are the ones who don’t prey on your vulnerability neither make you feel any pressure. The ones you feel comfortable discussing your frustrations, doubts, and hopes with. I suspect it’s best to stick with the ones from the (true, not false) beginnings than those that come as your career takes off (Read the list of “bad” aspects for reference).
- The love and support of the community are real, albeit conditioned to how good of both a loser and a winner you are. Which is a good thing, don’t be a dick.
- You can take breaks from social media. You can take time off. There’s no need to be “on” every single day.
- Eventually, you get better at filtering people and opinions. You silence the noise. Hopefully, you’ll be too busy writing and editing to give in to the distractions and to bother with anyone but your good friends and allies.
The bad:
- People get jealous quite quickly. Even those who genuinely like you as a person and a writer.
- Some of those people disguise their jealousy as “advice,” cryptic back-handed compliments, and criticism. Learn to tell when someone is cunningly undermining your self-confidence instead of being honest and constructive. Your gut will tell you when someone is toxic. Cut them off on sight.
- People like to brag and inflate their success, especially in front of those struggling. It’s a coping mechanism/low-self-esteem/narcissistic thing. Mute/unfollow/block: you have no time for that shit.
- You can’t, and I insist, YOU CAN’T share your book ideas online. With NOBODY. People steal, man. Even your friends. Watch out.
Remember: Learning to distinguish a friend from a foe in the writing world is a skill on its own, folks.